Only sixteen weeks to go

February 22, 2008

Keep in mind that the title I’m using is written tongue in cheek big time.  Sixteen weeks seems like a very very long time.  Pregnancy always feels like it stretches out absolutely forever, and yet after my babies have been born, I feel as though I can hardly remember what it was like.

I did not have the best week.  Or at least, Saturday of last week through Wednesday were pretty bad.  I’ll admit something that maybe a lot of women refuse to: I get depressed during pregnancy.  So many people are very concerned about post-partum depression, but research has shown that about the same number of women get depressed during pregnancy as do after pregnancy.  I think I am saved from post-partum depression because I am so thrilled with new babies.  But the waiting during pregnancy and what I feel are my inadequacies in keeping house or taking care of myself or my kids seem to come out and make me feel awful about myself.  Not only that, but there always seems to be something going wrong at some point.  This time, it’s major feelings of isolation.  I don’t hear much from my own family and my in-laws seem to all be too busy to do much with me or even just talk to me, so it was easy to start feeling lonely.  It’s hard for me to know what to do when I feel so bad – I never feel that it’s worth it to go on medication, because usually, my bad days only amount to seven or eight every other month.  The question now is whether it’s worth it to look into counselling or if I can really just blame most of this on hormones.  Hard to say, I guess.  I’m doing better today, and yesterday was a pretty good day (aside from my children being insane…but more on that later).  I’m hoping to stay busy enough this weekend to ignore any feelings of exclusion that I might start feeling.

As for what made my day yesterday not so great – my kids decided that it was a good idea to be a pain all day long.  The last straw came when I took them to Wal Mart with me to grab a few things.  I had no major plans, just diapers, bread, juice and a few other small things.  I was planning to wait to go shopping after Mike got home, but he was going to be late, so I figured it was a good idea to just go.  Oh,  how wrong I was.  I knew as soon as we were halfway done that my children were going to need to spend some quality time with Daddy in the evening and let Mommy escape for a bit.  We were already planning to eat leftovers for supper, so at least I didn’t have to make anything.  Mike was getting stuff heated up for himself and the kids and suggested that I could pick something up when I went out.  This appealed to me, but it wasn’t just going to be any old quick eating.  I went somewhere decent, used a coupon to get a free appetizer, order a meal, ate the whole appetizer and the whole veggie burger that I ordered and sat and read a book while eating it.  It was so relaxing.  The funny thing was the book I was reading.  I stopped by the Christian bookstore on my way home after Bible study in the morning to buy John Piper’s When the Darkness Will Not Lift, and while I was there, found a discount bin.  I almost didn’t buy a second book, but then the title jumped out at me: Taking Care of the Me in Mommy.  It’s written by Lisa Whelchel (she was Blair in The Fact’s of Life…which was before my time, but still..) and she gives all sorts of ideas for moms to take time out for their spirit, body and soul.  I think if anyone had noticed the title of the book as I sat in White Spot eating alone, they would have chuckled….and understood why I was there by myself.  When I got home, I felt a whole lot better (and Mike had a friend over while I was gone, so he didn’t mind being me leaving at all).  I am now determined to do things like that more often.  It may not always be going out to eat by myself, but maybe using my alone time away from home to do things other than shop for groceries (which is just way easier without kids). 

I’ve been baking all morning for my brother-in-law’s birthday supper and now I’m done and have two hours ahead of me to use as I like.  I think laying down on the couch with the leftover fries that I simply could not fit last night and watching a movie would be a nice thing to do.  And anyway, I have a George Eliot BBC movie from the library that I haven’t seen before.  Hooray!

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One Response to “Only sixteen weeks to go”

  1. Thanks for the link! You seem to be hanging on amazingly well, at least judging by the quality of your writing. Good luck, and I hope the cloud lifts.

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