Fourteen months

August 20, 2009

I realized that it had been some time since I last wrote here, so I thought I would give a little update for anyone still checking in, or anyone stumbling across the blog now.

Erik is fourteen months and four days old now.  Don’t worry, I usually don’t keep track of the actual number of days he is into his current month. 🙂  He is mostly just crawling, but took his first steps quite some time ago now.  His health is good most of the time, although he was in the hospital with pneumonia for two nights last month.  His asthma is a problem for us and will continue to be, which is very unfortunate, but it can be treated.  He is starting to try out words, although most of our interpretations are just guessing – he may not mean anything by what he is babbling, but we like to think he does some of the time. 

He is still very small – only about eighteen pounds, but I suspect that his frequent night nursings were a big contributor to that.  I stopped feeding him at night a few weeks ago and now I am attempting to wean him and just have him on whole milk.  My milk just isn’t fatty enough for him and there is some concern that he is just too small for his age.  I am feeling a bit down about weaning – I never really like doing it, even though in the past I have been pregnant at the time of weaning.  This time I am not expecting again yet, which makes it harder for me – there is no promise of another baby to breastfeed in a few months.  I cannot see a reason that we wouldn’t have another baby, unless that is just God’s plan for us, so I am trying not to get too bothered by it.  I will just try to enjoy the time – however brief it may be – that I am not nursing or pregnant. 

 I just gave Erik his first haircut today – his hair was finally long enough to need cutting – it was always flying in his ears.  Still nothing like the hair Elias had at this age – all the way down into his eyes – but long enough.  It makes him look a lot more grown up, but he is definitely still my baby.

Here’s a recent picture, though not post-haircut (don’t have any yet):


Although not keeping up regularly here (for obvious reasons – it wouldn’t really be a pregnancy journal anymore), I’m still blogging at Messy Housewife: – come and read!!


Six Months!!

December 15, 2008

No, not six months pregnant, but six months has passed since I was pregnant.  It’s hard to believe it, but my little boy is old enough to grab his feet and put them in his mouth, make raspberries with his lips and even to shake his head “no” back at me when I do it to him.  He is such a joy and is still considerably easier than Elias was, and possibly even easier than Jenny was as a baby.  He is certainly happier than Jenny – or at least he smiles a lot more than she did. 

Today we started solids (I’m anal…yeah, I know, but I don’t start solids – any solids – until my kids are exactly six months to the day), and Erik did what most babies do and made a cute little disgusted face, gagged a few times, spit a good deal of it back out, but ate a whole tablespoon on his first tasting.  This is always a very exciting time for me, and simultaneously sad.  My babies aren’t just mine anymore – someone else can feed them now, even if it is only rice cereal a half a cup at a time.  I have devoted myself to exclusive breastfeeding for very selfish reasons, really – I just love that it has to be me that feeds them.  I mean, yes, someone else could do it in an emergency (not that I can guarantee my kids would have known what to do with a bottle), but otherwise, it’s all my responsibility.  Other people can change diapers, give baths, play peek-a-boo, but I’m the one with the food. 

The other downside to supplementing breastfeeding is that any birth control I was getting from exclusive breastfeeding starts to decline with each feeding of solids.  Yes, this does work – you have to be very good about not supplementing anything in the first six months, though.  And, like most other forms of birth control, it’s not 100% fool proof.  Even giving a soother (pacifier) can interfere with it.  But so far, it has worked for us.

Well, it is now the end of a long day – Jenny and Elias didn’t eat supper yesterday (not because I didn’t offer it, but because they refused to eat) and so they were up way too early this morning asking for food, and then I took Erik to his six month checkup in the afternoon and had to deal with grumpy kids who really needed a nap – and fast.  Tomorrow I am taking Jenny to her very first dentist appointment.  I can hardly believe she’s old enough for it, but she does have teeth and she can speak in full sentences…so I guess it’s time.

If you’ve been keeping up with the other blog, about how I can’t keep my house clean, and other bits of chaos, you’ll be up to date on a lot of this, but I thought I would take the time to update the journal since Erik is six months old now.  Adieu!

Ten days later…

June 25, 2008

This may very well be my last post on this blog for quite some time.  It is a pregnancy journal, after all, and I do have another blog that is better suited to my everyday life (har har…The Everyday Life of a Messy Housewife). 

However, because this is baby/postpartum related, I figured it fit better here. 

Erik is doing great – he is eating and sleeping really well and gives us a few hours every day of interaction, which seems to be pretty rare at this age.  I know what they say about baby smiles – that any smile before a month of age isn’t a real smile – and I’ve believed it in the past, because my kids definitely had gassy smiles and sleep smiles before they were a month old, but at a month, they looked me in the eye and grinned back at me.  Erik has decided to break the rules; I’m not kidding you – he has smiled at me about four times now.  I have said that you can tell a real smile because of the look in their eyes.  They look right at you and their eyes smile along with their mouths.  Well, that’s just what he has been doing.  I can’t explain it, and you can argue all you want, but if you were his mother, you’d agree with me (I just wish someone else could see it so they’d know what I’m talking about). 

On the kid front, Jenny continues to ask where her “buddo Ewik” is and actually refers to him most of the time as “Ewik buddo”.  Elias just calls him baby, although I think he’s been trying to say Erik and it comes out sounding like “owie”, which is hilarious.  So far, neither of them has made him cry or tried to carry him around the house, although I’ve been very careful to keep him with me or keep my eye on him all the time when he’s not in his bed away from them.  A friend of mine told me a story about her kids that made me decide never to leave the room while Erik is laying on the couch or the floor – her older son was in the room after she changed her newborn’s diaper and she left to get something quickly in the other room.  When she went back, the older boy had picked up his brother and was carrying him upside down, trying to help her.  If I remember right, he said, “Here, Mommy, I bring him to you.”  Yikes!  So I’m going to watch them very carefully, because I can just see it happening with one of them, thinking they were helping me. 

As far as my health/energy goes, I seem to do fine getting up in the morning and having energy until just before lunch, and then I feel like crashing.  Yesterday, I actually dozed on the couch with the kids climbing on me – Elias tearing up an envelope and throwing it around didn’t even faze me, I was so tired.  Today, I feel tired, but when I laid down to have a nap, I could only think of cleaning and writing.  So I got up, swept the living room floor, cleaned up toys, did the dishes and now I’m writing.  I have maybe twenty minutes that I can count on the kids staying asleep, so If I get tired now, it’s probably too late to do anything about it.  As for my actual recovery, I feel pretty good, although I’m still bleeding a good deal, which is getting old.  Yeah, I know it’s only been ten days, but it seems that it’s different this time than it was with the other two.  Also, I got my hopes up because I went all day yesterday without anything at all and then had it come back in the middle of the night.  Okay – enough already!  Fortunately, the cramping quit a week ago, so at least it’s not a bother in that way.  It is true, afterpains seem to get worse each time you have a baby.  I don’t really remember anything with Jenny, but I had them pretty bad with Elias and this time, they were really bad.  But four days of them is not so bad, really.

The other big thing around the house is that as soon as the kids got over their cold/cough, they got another one!  And now Erik has it!  Goopy eyes, coughs and runny/stuffy noses that I’m wiping all the time and Jenny yelling from her room, “I need to blow my nose!!” in the middle of the night (and ten seconds ago – hooray!).  I’ve had a sore throat, but my cough is getting better and I don’t have symptoms of a cold like they do…I just hope it stays that way.  The kids spent all day yesterday lying around watching movies while I wiped noses and read a book.  I’m so glad Erik has decided to be a good baby and sleep for long stretches between feedings.  I don’t know what I would do if he was fussy like Elias was.

So much for twenty minutes, I think I got about ten out of them.  Oh, well.  C’est la vie.  I meant to go into more, like the fact that I weaned myself off of ice, but apparently, I’m out of time.  Oh, yeah, I weaned myself off of ice.  I’ll tell you about it sometime. 

So, no promises, but more than likely, I’ll be sticking to the other blog from now on (at least  until I’m pregnant again, although then the address will be misleading, since it won’t be baby number three anymore).  Well, off I go to be a mommy again (unless my kids have gone back to sleep…oh, wouldn’t that be nice?!).

Here’s hoping

June 11, 2008

I had a dream last night that I lost my mucous plug and I was bleeding.  I woke up, went to the bathroom and there was nothing.  Drat.  I went back to bed, slept for another hour or so and went to the bathroom again.  Nothing.  Then I ate breakfast, went through my routine with the kids and checking email, etc. and went to the bathroom again (gotta love a pregnant bladder) and what do you know?  Something!  A nice bit of mucous that had to be my mucous plug and blood – red blood.  I’m being descriptive again.  Just you wait, after this kid is born, you’ll all be cringing at my descriptions of labour.  The thing is, if it’s false labour and there is bleeding, it is usually brown.  This is definitely not brown.  And yes, it can mean that labour is still a day or more away, but still – this means that I should have the baby by the end of the week, rather than having to go through having my membranes stripped or being induced.  I literally just prayed for this specific thing moments before I went to the bathroom and made my discovery – God is listening!  So here’s hoping that today will be the day.  Apparently, my child decided that coming during the first ten days of the month wasn’t going to happen, but if it’s born today, all three of my kids will have been born on Wednesdays, which I think is pretty cool.  You know me, I get joy out of silly things like that.

Now the hard part is knowing when to go to the hospital.  I’m not having regular contractions, but rather lots of cramps.  I guess I just wait it out at this point.  I called Mike and let him know something was happening, and called my mother-in-law to put her on alert for the day.  So now I just hope it wasn’t in vain and I don’t have to wait until tomorrow.  Oooooh, there’s a nice crampy contraction.  Yikes.  Let’s just hope I don’t wait too long and end up delivering on the floor in my living room ( bed or couch, etc.).

Other than updating this post, I think I won’t be writing again until the labour story that will come in all its gruesome glory sometime after the birth of my baby.  Hooray!

Update: 4:00 pm

A whole bunch of nothing.  Well, so far anyway.  I feel sort of silly now for calling Mike and his mom since I haven’t had any indication that anything is going to happen today.  I did some work around the house, kept the kids entertained, called my sister, made lunch and went for a walk and still not much of anything.  Including more bleeding.  The thing is, it seems that if I lost my mucous plug weeks before having the baby, it wouldn’t be so red, it would be brown-ish.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I sincerely hope that I’m not.  It’s okay if this kid doesn’t come until tomorrow or Friday…or sometime before Monday, but if it waits that long, I’m pretty sure my doctor won’t have any trouble stripping my membranes, and that was something I wasn’t looking forward to.  Maybe I’ll have the baby tonight and look back on this and laugh later.  I totally did this when I was pregnant with Elias, actually.  On the 5th of September, I had some bleeding and then contractions in the evening.  When I went in to the hospital, I wasn’t effaced or dilated at all.  The next morning, I was giving up and deciding that I’d just stay pregnant until I was overdue (since that was still two and a half weeks before my due date).  Elias was born before seven that night.  One of the reasons I’m waiting to go into the hospital is that when I went in with him, I was six centimetres dilated and they put me on pitocin to get things moving.  I was then stuck in a bed for six hours.  I really really don’t want that to happen again.  Sorry if I’ve mentioned this before, but I feel pretty strongly about it.  So I’m waiting for something drastic to happen – my water to break or my contractions to get really bad.  Half of the things I read about losing your mucous plug say that if it’s tinged with red blood, or if you have show that is red or pink (rather than brown), labour will start within twenty-four hours.  Other sources have said that it could mean labour is still weeks away.  At least I know that’s not right.  If this kid isn’t out on its own by the 20th, it will be forced out of residence by the power of prostaglandin gel (gulp).  But really, I was thinking how awesome is this that I’m just going to have the baby on my own and not have to have any of that happen again.  Oh, please.  I really hope that I didn’t jump the gun getting so excited about it.

I have had a few weird days physically.  Yesterday I was concerned that I might have something serious, but fortunately, the worst of it went away.  On Sunday, I felt fine all day and then after supper, my ribs started to hurt.  I felt strange and kept getting hot flashes (not those kind, but I imagine they aren’t that different) so I went for a long walk from my in-laws while Mike stayed with the kids.  I felt somewhat better when I got back and happily spent almost an hour holding my two week old nephew, who was wide awake.  I still had pain in my ribs when I went to bed, and throughout the night, every time I woke up, I had something new bothering me.  My head and neck on my right side started to ache and the glands on the right side of my neck were swollen.  Most of that is gone now, although it lasted most of the day yesterday.  My ribs just keep feeling worse, though.  The strange thing is that nothing happened on Sunday that could have injured me.  I feel like this is what broken or bruised ribs must feel like, though.  Fortunately, I have a doctor’s appointment today and should be able to find out why I’m in pain. 

On a different subject, I was filling out a passport application for Elias and they asked for weight and height.  I haven’t weighed or measured Elias in a few months, so I did both today, and did both for Jenny as well.  I then punched the amounts in on a growth percentile calculator online and found that while Jenny is just about where she has been since she was six months old – around the 50th percentile for weight and height – Elias is still a tiny little munchkin below the 3rd percentile for both.  At birth, Elias was around the 40th percentile for weight and the 75th for length, but he has persisted in being tiny ever since.  Jenny, on the other hand, was a monster baby until she hit six months – she was above the 97th percentile until then.

A little off topic regarding pregnancy, I suppose, but it is making me wonder how this baby will compare with them for weight and length at birth.  I know that most of it is when the baby is born – Elias was early and 7 lb 4 oz, while Jenny was late and 9 lb 6 oz.  Three and a half weeks of extra in-womb growth makes quite a difference.  My guess is that if this baby was born now, it would be around eight pounds, but I could be off by quite a bit, I suppose.  And, if it isn’t born now, I won’t really know what it would have been.

I think as my pregnancy progresses, my writing gets worse.  I was terrible at keeping up on my journal with Jenny and Elias, so at least I have a record for this baby.  I suppose one reason that my writing suffers is that my son never wants to leave me alone when I’m writing.  I end up getting up two or three times to re-locate him or change his diaper or break up a fight between him and his sister or some inanimate object.

Of course, this entry is no different – I have so far left to change his diaper and keep him from dumping Jenny’s water on his head.  I suppose this means I had better end this for now, although I will probably write again later after my doctor’s appointment.  Hopefully I’ll have some answer about the rib thing by then.


Post-doctor’s appointment:

I have costal chondritis.  Doesn’t that sound nice?  Basically, it happens when the uterus grows to the point that it starts pushing the ribs outward.  It can happen to non-pregnant people, but when it happens to pregnant women, there is only one cure: delivery.  So now my desire to give birth has skyrocketed.  If I’m going to have to put up with this pain and pregnancy any longer, I’d like it to be less than twenty-four hours more.  But we’ll see…

Aside from that, everything seems to be ship-shape.  Baby’s heart rate is staying around 150 bpm and my weight is up just a bit from last week.  At this point, I think my total gain is probably around twenty-eight pounds, but I didn’t check my chart this time, so I’m not totally certain of that.

Okay, this is the end for now.  Even though the kids are now sleeping, I’ve had a phone call that has thrown me off just as badly as my kids do.  Not a bad phone call, just a distraction.  Until next time.

My family is watching Shrek the Third for the second time today.  Mike was quizzing me on what my plans or hopes were for the evening and I caved and told him to just put in the movie so I could have some time to think about it and relax.  I went shopping this afternoon and totally exhausted my hugely pregnant body while Mike and the kids napped.  Mike decided that playing games online until five in the morning was a good idea…so he didn’t get much sleep last night.  I was smart and went to bed considerably earlier, but I’m still feeling the interruption of sleep.  I’m having lots of back pain, abdominal pain, shoulder pain…oh, I could go on forever, really.  I’m hoping every day for this kid to come – but still trying to have something to look forward to each week that distracts me.  Last week it was a date night on Thursday.  Once we were home from our date, I let myself go back to wanting labour to start.  Now I have a deadline – either by Wednesday or not until after the 1st.  Jenny’s birthday is on the 1st and we’re having a party for her that day.  I figure if I have the baby on Wednesday (or sooner), I’ll be home by Friday at the latest and that will give me a day at home before her party.  If this was my first baby, there is no way I’d be willing to even plan a party until long after my due date, but as it is my third, I have no choice but to jump back into life hours after giving birth.  Anyway, all I have to do is make it to Wednesday without thinking about it much and then I’ll actually want the baby to wait until the following week.  My desired date of delivery was previously the fourth of June, which would only be four days early.  The reasons for this are rather silly – Jenny and Elias were both born on Wednesdays – the first and the sixth.  My birthday is the sixth of October, Mike’s is the tenth of February, so thus far, we all have our birthdays in the first ten days of the month.  This little quirk of mine is closely related to my obsession with symmetry and I suspect it comes from the same place that my need to organize my closet by rainbow colour order does (have I ever mentioned that it gives me great pleasure that red and green come before blue in the rainbow?).  But I digress. 

Where was I going with that anyway?  I obviously enjoy going off track..I think it serves as a nice distraction when I’m in pain or dealing with the frustrations of pregnancy.

I could go on and on about myself and the same old thing, but I actually had something to write about that is unrelated to me.  I know, amazing.

I often read the strange or odd news headlines when I check my email and today there was something that caught my eye – a German couple attempted to sell their baby on eBay.  You can read the story, but basically, they put him on eBay saying he had gotten too loud and they wanted one euro for him.  The child was taken away from his parents, authorities are looking into the possibility of child trafficking and they claim it was a joke.  Personally, I believe them.  Who doesn’t joke like that once in awhile?  However, they were obviously lacking in brains to go so far as to post him on eBay.  The thing I do find funny is that people will be appalled by this and not give any thought to the fact that they wanted one euro for him.  This is about $1.57.  If they were actually hoping to sell him, do you really think they would post him publicly on eBay for such a low price?  I seriously doubt it.  There are other ways to do things like this – I hate to think of people who actually sell their children.  This is not the way to go about it.  Of course, it is possible that I’m wrong and they weren’t joking, had a devious plan to take any offer for their child and actually sell him.  But if I’m right, I sincerely hope that they reunite the parents with their child quickly.  Yes, give them a very serious lecture on why this is so stupid and keep an eye on them, but get the baby back to his parents.  If this was a joke, they will regret it for the rest of their lives.  The time, however brief, that they are separated from their son, will always be felt by them, even if he doesn’t remember it.  There have been many times in recent years where authorities have either waited too long to step in or stepped in when it wasn’t needed and children and often parents suffer for it.  It is horrifying that children have died in the care of their parents because of abuse and yet something like this sends the police running to take the kid away.  Anyway, that’s what I wanted to say about that.

And now back to me.  Tomorrow puts me at two weeks from my due date.  If I push to wait two weeks for induction if I’m overdue, it means that I could be four weeks away still.  Yikes.  I’m going to attempt to remain optimistic, though, and just focus on the next event. 

On a very positive note, I saw my doctor on Thursday and was told that since April 20th, I’ve only gained about a pound.  I lost some weight the week before and then put it back on…but overall, I think I’m at about twenty-seven pounds gained.  This is wonderful, because I had all sorts of lovely people tell me that I may have only gained thirty-three and twenty-seven pounds with my first two kids, but this was my third and I’d probably gain forty or fifty.  Of course, one of these people was a representative for a fitness club trying to sell memberships at a trade show, but still.  Some people just don’t have any tact.  And ha ha, I am not going to gain fifty pounds, so there.

Also from my doctor’s appointment – my blood pressure is good and not too low like it has been.  I am still faithfully taking my iron supplement (nasty stuff) twice a day so I will hopefully have higher stores of iron before the baby is born.  The baby is head down and not moving nearly as much anymore, we suspect just from lack of space.  Heart rate is good, etc etc.  It gets tiring going to the doctor every week at the end of pregnancy, but at least it’s reassuring knowing that everything is still going well.

Well, that’s probably enough for today.  With any luck, I’ll have the baby soon….or at least find enough activity to distract myself for a few more weeks.

Thirty-six weeks

May 13, 2008

I’m not promising creativity today.  I had a long weekend full of emotional and physical upheaval (well, maybe that’s a stretch) and I’m feeling disappointed that I’m still pregnant.

Timelines are nice…I’ll go with that.

Thursday morning: Make food, pack kids into car, go to church for Bible study potluck and to practice song for Sunday morning offering.  While waiting to start practicing, my brother-in-law’s aunt comes in and announces to everyone that my sister-in-law had her baby that morning.  I had no idea and hearing it with her at the same time as everyone else wasn’t very much fun.  This combined with hormones and a very unpleasant and brief telephone confrontation with my mother-in-law led to a good hour of crying.  I managed to feel somewhat better until I got home, at which time I cried for another hour.  Fortunately, Mike called and offered to come home early.  Josh (our other brother-in-law, who Mike works with) was leaving work so that he and Lacey could go see our new nephew.  I figured that if Josh could leave, it wouldn’t hurt Mike to leave early either.  Mike came home, the kids got up from their nap, we went to the hospital and I promptly fell in love with Hayden Oliver.  I even got to change his first dirty diaper (I know, gross…but somehow I felt honored to do it).  I also decided that after all the emotions, it would be nice to just get it over with and have my baby then and there.  That obviously didn’t happen.  Still, I came home and tried all sorts of things hoping something would happen.  Decent Braxton Hicks contractions ensued…but sadly nothing more.

Friday: A relatively normal day that ended with seeing Hayden in the hospital again.  He’s such a feather – he was only two days early but weighed 5 lb 8 oz and was 18 in long.  We went out to supper afterwards and I again had some more good Braxton Hicks that led nowhere.

Saturday: Went to A&W for breakfast and actually beat everyone else there.  This is rare, but our kids just keep getting up earlier all the time.  After that, I took the kids to the Farmer’s Market and Mike went to play tennis.  When we were done, we went up to the courts and let the kids play with the extra tennis balls while I attempted to relax and not pay attention to the feeling that the baby was going to fall out of me.  Tennis finished up, we went to have ice cream with Mike’s friend Nick and then we went home.  I can’t exactly remember anything between going home and going to the hospital at 2:30 to register, but when I got there, I was again having such strong contractions that the lady doing my paperwork suggested that I go upstairs and get on the monitor.  About forty-five minutes later, I walked out of the hospital after even my strongest Braxton Hicks couldn’t be seen on the screen.  At least I got some good hospital ice out of the deal.  In the evening, we ran over to drop Mom’s birthday present off and the kids jumped on the trampoline for a while.  Ran to the store, bought a few things for supper, saw smoke and decided to investigate, drove out to find it was just a field burning, drove down to Taylor to pick up a movie and went home.  I then fed the kids sandwiches in tortillas and put them to bed before making our supper.  We watched Juno and I spent almost the whole movie grabbing onto Mike’s foot or hand and breathing through contractions, hoping that they might lead somewhere.  I liked the movie, but it was a bit depressing watching a pregnancy go so fast.

Sunday: Wasn’t sure if we would go to church, but felt it was unfair to the kids to deprive them of that time, so we went anyway.  I’m not a big fan of Mother’s Day because of some things that happened a few years ago, so I wasn’t sure how I would do.  However, I got to see my nephew again and that mostly made up for it.  We went out after church and actually ate somewhere new that wasn’t packed with people.  I had some phenomenal salmon nuggets (it was better than it sounds) and rice and Mike had halibut and chips.  After this pleasing lunch, we were able to go straight home and put the kids to bed.  I worked a bit in the living room rearranging furniture while Mike ran back down to Taylor to take the movie back.  I then had a nice nap on the couch with the front shade up, which was like laying in the sun, and when I woke up, my aunt was on the phone.  When the kids got up, we went to meet the family at the park while they finished playing croquet and then we went for a barbeque at Josh and Lacey’s.  I got to hold Hayden again, this time for about forty-five minutes, and it was lovely.  It was a bit strange holding such a new baby and feeling by own baby kicking me from the inside.  I can’t wait to see these kids next to each other (mine will more than likely dwarf Hayden).  Mike was very good to me all day and made sure that we were doing what I wanted to do, which is the agreement we have with birthdays and Mother’s and Father’s Day.  We played Phase Ten after we got the kids to bed and even though Mike usually complains because he’s no good at games like that, he won. 

Monday: A normal day until the evening – I actually got a lot of work done on our bedroom during the day and wasn’t having contractions like crazy, which was very nice.  We went to the church at seven for English Corner and a membership meeting that I was speaking at.  The kids got to hang out with Marcy, which was nice for them and nice for Mike, who didn’t have to keep after them while playing games upstairs.  I gave my three minute blurb on our Bible study (twice) and then we went home.  I spent about two hours having really nice Braxton Hicks that made me very uncomfortable, but then they quit.  I have resigned myself to four more weeks of pregnancy.

Tuesday (today): A little more productivity in the morning and then a doctor’s appointment.  I have lost weight – not much, only about a pound in two weeks – and everything else is good.  I am anemic, so I get to start taking Floradix (yay) until the baby is born.  Also, this was the week for the strep test, so she checked for the positiion of the baby and everything else while she was at it.  Baby is head down – let’s hope it stays that way – and I am sealed up tight.  Also, the baby’s head is still somewhat far up, so I guess waiting longer for it to be born will be good as it was that situation that made me end up on Pitocin when I was having Elias.  I’m trying to be positive, telling myself that there are still things to be done before the baby is due and that I want a big healthy baby and not a premature one – even a few weeks premature.  I’m going to keep on like this as much as I can and keep being as productive as I can be without totally wearing myself out.  I’m also going to stay away from the hospital unless I’m in incredible pain or my water breaks.  Or I feel the urge to push, which would definitely send me in ASAP.  I’m also going to drink some more Raspberry Leaf tea (I got the remainder of Alaina’s on Sunday and they’re already gone) and try to go walking more often.  I don’t necessarily want to be early, but I would like to have a quick and easy labour, and these things may just help.

I’m sorry that this is lacking in eloquence and is so long winded.  I may not be very entertaining for the next few weeks (I use it all up in real life). 

Well, on most days, anyway.  I’m trying it out now because I am feeling a bit down.  My first thought about writing about this here was that it feels pointless sometimes.  I wonder if anyone bothers to read, and then I think – Who cares?  It is a great way for me to feel like I’m writing to an audience rather than just to myself.  Even if no one reads it, I can tell myself that someone does.

Seriously, I am lacking in motivation, frustrated with my house and my kids and my body.  Very frustrated with the fact that I have five weeks left of this pregnancy (give or take a few days).  I want to hold my baby and watch all of this melt away.  Since I’ve been there before, I know that’s exactly what will happen – at least for the first day or so. 

I am keeping up on my dishes (mostly), my laundry (mostly), and trying to get into the habit of making sure the kids’ room is clean before they go to bed at night.  It feels pointless at times, but I know someone has to do it.  I have little moments of joy – like making muffins that have to be the best I’ve ever made in my life, and assembling a gift for my sister-in-law that hopefully will be useful to her before her baby is born.  Knowing that I’ll at least get to hold her baby soon does help a bit.  The house is another story.  I had a goal.  A number of separate projects that could be finished in a day or two individually.  I finished the kitchen and the bathroom and half of the kids’ room.  I have the living room, laundry room and my bedroom to finish.  The living room is the one that gets me.  I haven’t been bothering to clean up at all because I tell myself that one of these days I’ll do a really thorough job of it and so worrying about the day to day is silly.  But then I see the mess on the floor and the clutter that just needs to be gathered up and put away and it makes me feel awful.  It doesn’t help that when the kids are awake and not confined to their rooms, they follow me around and won’t leave me alone.  By the time I get them playing in their room or napping, I feel like sitting down and doing nothing. 

I think tonight will be one of those when I get some Mommy time.  I hope it will be, anyway.  I need a few hours to myself that are not being used for productivity and are not in my own house.  Really, though, it would be even better if I could have a date night with Mike.  I told him last week that he is in charge of arranging babysitting in advance and taking me out soon.  Too often, our date nights are spur of the moment, call his parents half an hour before, rush to feed the kids some supper, drop them off and then feel rushed and guilty through the whole thing.  We have one girl who wants to babysit for us, but she’s a bit young to do it on her own yet.  She’s going to help me out this summer by coming and playing with the kids once in awhile so that I can have time with the baby or by myself – hopefully by the fall, she’ll be at the point where we can trust her with Jenny and Elias.  It may be awhile before we would leave a baby with anyone, though.  My committment to nursing makes it hard to leave our kids with anyone until they’re over six months old.  I will not bend, though.  The only thing that would keep me from it would be a serious problem with the baby that made it impossible to nurse.  I sincerely hope I never have to face that.

I feel like I’m all over the board today, but some of it is venting and some of it is just filling space.  I’ve already written for this week of pregnancy, but this just felt like the best place to say some of this.

At this moment, I feel like I can’t remember most of what I just wrote.  Don’t worry, I’m not drinking or on drugs or in labour.  Just pregnant and losing a brain cell or two every day.

I’ve reached a new low

April 30, 2008

My ice cravings finally got so bad that I did the unthinkable.  I bought ice.  Gasp.  I was growing tired of refilling the trays at home and stopping for the good small ice chips at restaurants, so I bought a big bag of ice that barely fit in my freezer for about $2.89.  Not so bad, really, considering that I’ve probably spent that in gas money (HA! more than that, I’m sure) driving to fast food places to ask for free ice in the biggest cup they can spare.  Speaking of that, I got reprimanded at Wendy’s (did I already mention that?) and then proceeded to feel guilty every time I tried to get ice without buying anything.  If I’m actually eating something, that’s different – if they’ll give you free water, they will give you free ice.  So, now I have a nice little supply that should last me the rest of this week (I think).  They’re not ideal ice chips, but rather the round kind that are about an inch long and have a hole through the middle.  Still, they’re better than homemade ice. 

Did all of that sound as completely ridiculous as I think it did??  Good.  That’s my life.

So, my doctor’s appointment yesterday revealed that I have gained more like four pounds in two weeks, rather than what I was hoping for at a pound per week.  I’m not going to freak out about this because my doctor says it’s just fine.  It’s just that I have this fear of hitting forty pounds gained in a pregnancy.  I know, I probably have readers that have gained a whole lot more than forty, but so far, thirty-three is the most I’ve gained in a pregnancy and I’d love to keep it that way.  It just makes it easier to lose the weight afterward. 

Other than weight, my doctor seemed pleased with everything.  I’m measuring large for where I’m at, which is not a suprise because my babies come big.  In fact, she didn’t suggest a change in my due date, but just agreed with me that the baby is big like Jenny was (and Elias should have been).  When I mentioned the fact that I’ve been getting Braxton Hicks very frequently even when I’m sitting down, and that they hurt, she said she figures I’ll be early.  I’m not convinced of this, but you never know.  I am convinced that Elias being born early was my fault and not the way it should have been.  I expect to be late.  I be…late.  Sigh. 

The highlight of the day (Tuesday) was making sweet potato and avacado sushi and going to a friend’s house for lunch.  She kept Elias for me while Jenny and I went to the doctor, which is always a treat.  That little boy does not like being confined to a stroller and does not like being told what to do (i.e. sit still, don’t stand up in the stroller, come back here, you little…).  Jenny does somewhat better, although the draw of the play area is a bigger thing for her than her brother.  I brought her with me yesterday because she has now had diarrhea for more than three weeks.  She doesn’t seem sick, is eating fine, hasn’t had a fever, but seemingly can’t get back to normal digestion.  So now I get the super fun task of collecting a stool sample.  Hooray for me!  I am willing to go through it, because obviously, a small child who can’t process things normally is somewhat worrisome.  They’re testing her white blood cell count and in the middle of the night last night, all I could think about was leukemia.  I laid there crying, attempting to go back to sleep and imagining life without my beautiful Jenny.  This is a very bad habit.  Before I had her, when Mike still went out of town for work, I would imagine all sorts of awful things when he was five minutes late calling or getting home.  And now that I have children, I have three people to think this way about (well, four, because I also worry that I might lose the baby). 

Turns out Jenny has only one symptom of leukemia – the diarrhea thing – and I shouldn’t worry.  Not only that, but if it became something we had to face, my cousin went through it when she was three or four and so my family has been there before.  I shouldn’t worry anyway, because I know it’s not good for me and God doesn’t like it (really…I imagine it breaks His heart that we worry so much sometimes). 

Well, now that I’ve brought back my fears and cried a little more, I think I’ll go read about food.  I always feel better when I do that. 

The tail end of week thirty-three and I’m still feeling like the end will never come.  I am insanely jealous of a friend who just had her baby on Tuesday, another who – if she has not had it yet – is a week overdue, and my sister-in-law, who tomorrow will be two weeks away from her due date.  The only consolation is that if this baby decides to be as early as its older brother, it could be here in three and a half weeks.  I’m not hoping for that, but I’m sure I wouldn’t complain, either.  If it is as I assume it will be, with me staying far away from the maternity ward until I’m certain that I’m in labour, I will probably be two weeks late.  I know, that’s really pessimistic, but I can’t help it.  After all, this is my third baby and I have to be realistic.  I will admit that Elias was more than likely born two and a half weeks early because I went in to the hospital the night before with Braxton Hicks contractions that were bad enough to make me suspect that I was in labour.  They checked me for dilation, found that I was still sealed up nicely, and sent me home.  By around noon the next day, I had dilated to six centimeters without feeling a thing.  So this time, I’m determined to wait until I know for sure that I’m in actual labour – as in, strong contractions, my water breaking, lots of show, etc.  Because I was induced with Jenny at eight days overdue, I do not expect to be early.  But you never know, I suppose. 

My other reason for not pushing myself into labour early is my desire for both a June baby born after Jenny’s birthday and a big baby.  Jenny (at eight days late, as I mentioned) was nine pounds six ounces.  Elias was seven, four.  A two pound difference is huge and with Jenny, I felt pretty confident that I wasn’t going to break her, but Elias felt so tiny (and still is pretty small, too).  Big babies are also nice because generally, no one worries about where they fall on the percentile charts for weight and height.  Another reason to be only slightly early, on time or late is that Jenny’s birthday is one week before my due date, and I’d love to make it through her party without having a newborn to care for.  Anytime after that is just fine, though. 

Physically, I actually feel pretty good.  I still have some of the aforementioned issues, but they are improving.  I’m not counting on this improvement holding through until the end, but it is nice for now.  I still double over with Braxton Hicks when I walk more than two blocks or sweep the floor for more than five minutes, but I’m used to it, so it’s not so bad.  And I can tell myself that it will be worth it when I have another quick labour (please, oh, please).  As for size, I feel quite small, especially compared with my sister-in-law, who isn’t huge, either, but is four weeks ahead of me.  For awhile, it seemed that we were about the same size, but she’s passed me now that her baby is getting ready for birth. 

One thing that makes the waiting easier is the fact that I will have a niece or nephew to hold sooner than I’ll hold my own baby.  The only way this won’t happen is if my sister-in-law is two weeks late and I’m two weeks early.  I’m pretty certain that her doctor won’t let her go that far, though, and this is her first baby, so she won’t have any reason to push for waiting longer.  I have been pretty firm with my doctor, and will continue to be, on the issue of induction.  Unless there is a problem with the baby or I am more than two weeks late, I don’t want to be induced.  For once, I’d love to go into labour and through it on my own.  I may have made it to six centimeters with Elias on my own, but then they said that his head was up so high they were worried that if my water broke, the cord would come out before his head.  Because something like that would result in an emergency c-section, I agreed to being put on a pitocin drip to get him moving down.  I then spent the next six hours stuck in the same bed hooked to an IV, waiting for things to progress more.  Had I not gone in when I did, I may have had to rush to the hospital to deliver, but I suspect that I would have progressed much the same as I had all morning – with teeny tiny cramps being the only contractions I felt.  That’s my opinion on it, anyway.  And of course, what I would love to have happen this time.  I think having hard labour twice is enough  – the rest should be a piece of cake.  Maybe that’s why so many people stop after having two children…??

One reason that I was starting to feel so good physically is that the weather was starting to feel spring-like and the snow had all melted.  And then, yesterday morning, we woke up to a few more inches and vehicles completely covered in white.  Fortunately, most of it melted yesterday, but the ground is still dusted, making it feel like early winter instead of early spring.  However, the clouds will part because tomorrow is supposed to be very warm – 15 to 18 above if we can believe the forecast.  Spring would be lovely right about now.  I’m officially tired of winter.

Well, my children are hungry and bugging me and I suppose I’d better find out what trouble they’re getting into (well, the boy anyway – Jenny is just talking about being beautiful…sigh).