Well, on most days, anyway.  I’m trying it out now because I am feeling a bit down.  My first thought about writing about this here was that it feels pointless sometimes.  I wonder if anyone bothers to read, and then I think – Who cares?  It is a great way for me to feel like I’m writing to an audience rather than just to myself.  Even if no one reads it, I can tell myself that someone does.

Seriously, I am lacking in motivation, frustrated with my house and my kids and my body.  Very frustrated with the fact that I have five weeks left of this pregnancy (give or take a few days).  I want to hold my baby and watch all of this melt away.  Since I’ve been there before, I know that’s exactly what will happen – at least for the first day or so. 

I am keeping up on my dishes (mostly), my laundry (mostly), and trying to get into the habit of making sure the kids’ room is clean before they go to bed at night.  It feels pointless at times, but I know someone has to do it.  I have little moments of joy – like making muffins that have to be the best I’ve ever made in my life, and assembling a gift for my sister-in-law that hopefully will be useful to her before her baby is born.  Knowing that I’ll at least get to hold her baby soon does help a bit.  The house is another story.  I had a goal.  A number of separate projects that could be finished in a day or two individually.  I finished the kitchen and the bathroom and half of the kids’ room.  I have the living room, laundry room and my bedroom to finish.  The living room is the one that gets me.  I haven’t been bothering to clean up at all because I tell myself that one of these days I’ll do a really thorough job of it and so worrying about the day to day is silly.  But then I see the mess on the floor and the clutter that just needs to be gathered up and put away and it makes me feel awful.  It doesn’t help that when the kids are awake and not confined to their rooms, they follow me around and won’t leave me alone.  By the time I get them playing in their room or napping, I feel like sitting down and doing nothing. 

I think tonight will be one of those when I get some Mommy time.  I hope it will be, anyway.  I need a few hours to myself that are not being used for productivity and are not in my own house.  Really, though, it would be even better if I could have a date night with Mike.  I told him last week that he is in charge of arranging babysitting in advance and taking me out soon.  Too often, our date nights are spur of the moment, call his parents half an hour before, rush to feed the kids some supper, drop them off and then feel rushed and guilty through the whole thing.  We have one girl who wants to babysit for us, but she’s a bit young to do it on her own yet.  She’s going to help me out this summer by coming and playing with the kids once in awhile so that I can have time with the baby or by myself – hopefully by the fall, she’ll be at the point where we can trust her with Jenny and Elias.  It may be awhile before we would leave a baby with anyone, though.  My committment to nursing makes it hard to leave our kids with anyone until they’re over six months old.  I will not bend, though.  The only thing that would keep me from it would be a serious problem with the baby that made it impossible to nurse.  I sincerely hope I never have to face that.

I feel like I’m all over the board today, but some of it is venting and some of it is just filling space.  I’ve already written for this week of pregnancy, but this just felt like the best place to say some of this.

At this moment, I feel like I can’t remember most of what I just wrote.  Don’t worry, I’m not drinking or on drugs or in labour.  Just pregnant and losing a brain cell or two every day.

Lickety Split

March 2, 2008

As in…this has to be quick, but I didn’t want to miss another week.  If I can manage it, I am determined to stay weekly on this until the birth of this child (which at this point feels light years away…whatever a light year feels like). 

I am doing better this week, but there is still an underlying feeling of disappointment with the world around me and my situation.  I have talked to my parents and my siblings in the last week, which is great, and things don’t seem quite so difficult with my in-laws in some ways, but things still feel uneasy.  I think I will have to fight depression for the rest of this pregnancy and more than likely every other one I ever go through.  It’s not a surprise to me, but it is still a burden that I would rather not bear. 

On a much lighter (well, in one way, anyway) note, I have been baking this week and enjoying it thoroughly.  I made brownies on Wednesday, chocolate chip cookies on Thursday and raspberry oatmeal bars on Friday.  I also took on a new venture and made my own butter on Friday.  It’s much easier than it sounds (just put heavy cream and salt in the blender and blend until it separates) and it tastes so nice.  I think it will be something I do often.  If it worked out cheaper to always buy cream and do it at home, I probably would, but I think in the end, it isn’t cheaper than buying my butter.  At least with butter, the ingredient list is rather short.  Cream, salt, and sometimes colouring (although it’s easy to get butter without the salt or colouring).  Margarine on the other hand…well, don’t get me started there.  I won’t ever quit. 

As for pregnancy, I’m feeling particularly pregnant this week, like things started happening again in there and the baby is growing (go figure).  I’m wrapping up week twenty-five already and that at least tells me that I’m getting there.  That and the fact that this kid won’t let me forget it (internally or externally).  It’s not keeping me up yet, but I am finally at the point of getting up more than once in the night to use the bathroom.  The only way I can avoid that is to stop drinking around supper time.  The trouble with that (and my sister-in-law says she’s the same way) is that I get very thirsty before bed.  I feel like gulping down glass after glass of water and then having more from the water bottle on my bedside table.  So it’s kind of my fault and not just the baby’s that I have to get up so much.  It’s not so bad, though, because half the time I have to get up anyway to take Jenny to the bathroom. 

I can happily report that it’s been more than a month that my daughter has been out of diapers completely.  She had been day trained for months, but we were reluctant to quit at night because she wasn’t waking up dry very often.  Finally, after getting past two and a half, we decided it was past time and we tried it for a week.  We’ve had our fair share of wet beds and midnight wakings, but it’s worth it.  For one thing, we now only have to diaper Elias, which means we’re going through diapers very slowly.  I did cloth on him for a few months, but then I got pregnant and went back to disposable most of the time.  I think my goal is to go cloth on the baby almost 100% of the time.  My in-laws really wouldn’t want to deal with cloth, though, so for times that the baby is with them or another babysitter, we’ll probably do disposable.  We’re getting our tax refund (a nice big one) in a few weeks, and I’m planning to get a good supply of one-size diapers from Mother-ease.  I really like the quality and the package deals are pretty reasonable – plus I’ll get free shipping if my order is big enough (and it will be).  The great thing about cloth diapering a newborn is that you can put the dirty ones straight into the wash without rinsing them out.  Breastmilk poop (mmm) is water soluble, so it doesn’t need pre-rinsing.  Yes, I know disposables are more convenient in many ways, but I just can’t excuse the number I end up throwing away, especially with new babies.  It’s kind of gross when you think about it.  What I can’t wait to try are the flushable diapers…I guess they would cost more in the long run, but for traveling or for babysitters, at least I would know that the diaper is going to decompose very quickly compared to disposables and be just as easy as getting rid of a disposable, rather than having to store a cloth diaper.

I said this would be quick, but I’m approaching nine hundred words at this point.  It is 10:30 on a Saturday night, which means I have to get up in the morning and I still have laundry to fold and dishes to do before I go to bed.  It would also benefit me greatly to get the kids clothes ready for church and make sure I have all the right stuff in the diaper bag.  Planning ahead can do a lot for me – I just don’t do it much.

I broke nine hundred.  Guess it’s time to go.  See you next week.   

Only sixteen weeks to go

February 22, 2008

Keep in mind that the title I’m using is written tongue in cheek big time.  Sixteen weeks seems like a very very long time.  Pregnancy always feels like it stretches out absolutely forever, and yet after my babies have been born, I feel as though I can hardly remember what it was like.

I did not have the best week.  Or at least, Saturday of last week through Wednesday were pretty bad.  I’ll admit something that maybe a lot of women refuse to: I get depressed during pregnancy.  So many people are very concerned about post-partum depression, but research has shown that about the same number of women get depressed during pregnancy as do after pregnancy.  I think I am saved from post-partum depression because I am so thrilled with new babies.  But the waiting during pregnancy and what I feel are my inadequacies in keeping house or taking care of myself or my kids seem to come out and make me feel awful about myself.  Not only that, but there always seems to be something going wrong at some point.  This time, it’s major feelings of isolation.  I don’t hear much from my own family and my in-laws seem to all be too busy to do much with me or even just talk to me, so it was easy to start feeling lonely.  It’s hard for me to know what to do when I feel so bad – I never feel that it’s worth it to go on medication, because usually, my bad days only amount to seven or eight every other month.  The question now is whether it’s worth it to look into counselling or if I can really just blame most of this on hormones.  Hard to say, I guess.  I’m doing better today, and yesterday was a pretty good day (aside from my children being insane…but more on that later).  I’m hoping to stay busy enough this weekend to ignore any feelings of exclusion that I might start feeling.

As for what made my day yesterday not so great – my kids decided that it was a good idea to be a pain all day long.  The last straw came when I took them to Wal Mart with me to grab a few things.  I had no major plans, just diapers, bread, juice and a few other small things.  I was planning to wait to go shopping after Mike got home, but he was going to be late, so I figured it was a good idea to just go.  Oh,  how wrong I was.  I knew as soon as we were halfway done that my children were going to need to spend some quality time with Daddy in the evening and let Mommy escape for a bit.  We were already planning to eat leftovers for supper, so at least I didn’t have to make anything.  Mike was getting stuff heated up for himself and the kids and suggested that I could pick something up when I went out.  This appealed to me, but it wasn’t just going to be any old quick eating.  I went somewhere decent, used a coupon to get a free appetizer, order a meal, ate the whole appetizer and the whole veggie burger that I ordered and sat and read a book while eating it.  It was so relaxing.  The funny thing was the book I was reading.  I stopped by the Christian bookstore on my way home after Bible study in the morning to buy John Piper’s When the Darkness Will Not Lift, and while I was there, found a discount bin.  I almost didn’t buy a second book, but then the title jumped out at me: Taking Care of the Me in Mommy.  It’s written by Lisa Whelchel (she was Blair in The Fact’s of Life…which was before my time, but still..) and she gives all sorts of ideas for moms to take time out for their spirit, body and soul.  I think if anyone had noticed the title of the book as I sat in White Spot eating alone, they would have chuckled….and understood why I was there by myself.  When I got home, I felt a whole lot better (and Mike had a friend over while I was gone, so he didn’t mind being me leaving at all).  I am now determined to do things like that more often.  It may not always be going out to eat by myself, but maybe using my alone time away from home to do things other than shop for groceries (which is just way easier without kids). 

I’ve been baking all morning for my brother-in-law’s birthday supper and now I’m done and have two hours ahead of me to use as I like.  I think laying down on the couch with the leftover fries that I simply could not fit last night and watching a movie would be a nice thing to do.  And anyway, I have a George Eliot BBC movie from the library that I haven’t seen before.  Hooray!